adding to the discourse
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Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.