cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
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I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
*aggressively waits in line*
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?