*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
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crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.