During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
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Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
“i miss shittin on people”
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
(by @ZachWeiner )
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.