*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
You Might Also Like
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work