Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
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[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
It be like that sometimes 😆
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.