If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
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I have many caverns
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Grow up never but we old may grow we
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg