[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
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Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.