My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
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Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
My purse is deeper than some people.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.