cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
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There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
My time has come.