Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
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“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
We avoided this particular disaster
I WON A HAM TODAY
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?