Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
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My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My support group can outdrink your support group.