A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
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Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10