Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.