[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
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Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
*jazz hands*
#FunnyLife Insects
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.