To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
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I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.