Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
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Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place