When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
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besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Yes my dude
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss