[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
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A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.