I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
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My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
The asteroid..
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.