Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
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Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”