What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
You Might Also Like
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
welp
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.