I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
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Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done