They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
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Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.