I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
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Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Free him
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
*sewing*
A thread
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
584.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
this country is so goddamn polarized
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably