Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
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I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
How to draw a duck
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I told my vodka about you.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies