Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
You Might Also Like
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*