I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
You Might Also Like
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler