Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
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“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan