“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
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me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay