From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
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I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.