America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
bad news gang
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Very good! 👍😂