#ProTip
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Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
The 6 types of sex
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
We’ve come full circle
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.