Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
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[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
$3 #books
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.