I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
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One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.