“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
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Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.