Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
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If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.