[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
You Might Also Like
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*