Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
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You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.