I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
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Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
me after eating Cheetos
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
😍😂🥰😂😍