If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
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Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician