professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
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“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
honestly, i need both:
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad