boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
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[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Same post same
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.