for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
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I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
May have had one breakfast too many
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.