A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
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I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him