Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
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Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*