the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
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DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
tourist season
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.