London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
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All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
why no one uses midhusbands
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all