If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
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I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Hot Hot Hot
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
time for some seasonal decor
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.