[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
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Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My background check bounced.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.